The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The new element has been named Hillarium. The chemical symbol of Hillarium is Bs.
Hillarium has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
When catalyzed with money, Hillarium activates CNNadnausium and MSNBCobnoxium, elements that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since each has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Hillarium. Hillarium has also been reported in some war torn countries to inexplicably draw sniper fire out of thin air where no snipers are present and to cause shoes to catapult across the room as a result of intense attraction to Hillarium.
The above satire is a modified take on a wonderful classic short joke by William DeBuvitz called “New Chemical Element Discovered.” DeBuvitz’s joke was published in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher magazine. DeBuvitz was a physics professor at Middlesex County College in Edison, New Jersey who retired in 2000. His joke was about “Administratium,” e.g., the horrors of bureaucracy and red tape — just too perfect to pass up modifying it to fit Hillary and company.